


I'll Fight For Us

by FallenShandeh



Series: The Sabriel Letters [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: "Just... read the whole thing before you react... okay?", AU, M/M, Writer!Gabe, says Sam to Gabe as he hands him the note, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-11
Updated: 2014-09-11
Packaged: 2018-02-16 23:59:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2289503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallenShandeh/pseuds/FallenShandeh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam is struggling. He has been for a long time. And it's time Gabriel knew just how badly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Fight For Us

_Dear Gabe,_  
You left your computer on when you came to watch TV with me and then fell asleep with your head on my lap. You do that nearly every night. I’m starting to think you do it on purpose.

You snore, you know. Not loudly. Just a little. When you’re sleeping, your hair falls over your face and there’s this little crease between your eyebrows that means what you’re dreaming about is bothering you. I wonder what it is. Maybe if I knew I could help.

You talk in your sleep. The house is quiet, but you’re mumbling as I type, something about how you hate the noise. What noise? Can I help? Should I wake you? Tell me. I don’t know.

You just rolled over and said my name so clearly that for a second, I thought you’d woken up. Then you snorted and went back to soft, snuffly snoring. The relief in your voice when you said my name has left me breathless, you know. Of course I’m here. Where else would I go? I have nowhere but here, nothing but you. So what’s with this relief? If I actually ask you, you’ll never answer me. You’ll change the subject, skirt around the question, or counter it with one of your own.

You were so broken when we met, I was sure you’d never pick up the pieces and glue yourself back together, but you did. Sometimes the cracks show. Sometimes I think you aren’t all that far from shattering all over again. Always, I tell myself I’m imagining things. Thinking you’re as much a mess as I am makes me feel a little better about myself. And then I feel bad for thinking of you like that.

It breaks my heart. All I want is for you to be happy, but I want to be happy too.

You don’t need to be afraid of who you are. You’re wonderful. You’re a short, nerdy gay introvert, and that’s what made me fall in love with you. Because I’m a tall, nerdy gay introvert, and that, as far as I’m concerned, makes us perfect for each other.  
But I’m not as together as I pretend to be. Don’t think I’m hiding from you. I’m not. I’m hiding from myself.

Do you remember showing me the scars on your wrists? You did it because I was worried about you missing school. It wasn’t like you to do that just before finals. It scared me. You showed me to prove that you had a good reason.

Do you remember how I spent the rest of that week welling up every time I looked at you? You hated that. You didn’t want pity. But it wasn’t pity. It was my heart breaking that anyone could hurt you badly enough to drive you to hurt yourself.

I don’t think you know that it prompted me to seek out anyone who had ever bothered you and make them regret it. And they did.

You definitely have no idea that was when I started to go off the rails. You didn’t know I was on the path towards becoming Dean - towards becoming an alcoholic who spent nights in prison every week - until I was arrested for the first time. The only time. You told me to get my act together. So I tried.

I didn’t know then that my brother had already saved himself. I was barely home.

You had no idea I was burning through my college fund faster than a heavy stoner burns through weed. I didn’t want you to know. It wasn’t who I was and I knew it. You’d have worried yourself sick over me if you’d had the faintest clue, and you had enough problems as it was. You didn’t need mine.

We graduated - you with honors and me just scraping by - and college loomed. I pretended I wanted to go to community college to cover up the fact that I had no money for the Ivy League colleges that I should have attended. I’m not sure why you followed. You were accepted into all the best colleges in the country.

Now you’re twenty and you just got an email from a publisher who wants to talk money. You don’t know about it yet and I can’t wait for you to see it. I’m going to pretend I didn’t already know, and we’re going to revel in surprised euphoria.

That’s if I’m here.

If you ever read this, you’ll know what it is.

I’m so proud of you, you know. And I’m sorry. You made it almost worth it.

I’m going for a walk. I love you so much… I just can’t get rid of the voice in my head. You know the one. You battled it too.

I can’t keep on like this. I know you’re wondering why. I don’t know. I’m so sorry I can’t tell you.

If I survive, I’ll see you in the morning.

Yeah.

See you tomorrow.  
 _-Sammy_

 

\---

 

I never went for that walk. You started tossing, turning and yelling in your sleep. I couldn’t leave. You still needed me.

You saved my life that night, and you’ll never know. Or maybe, just maybe, you always have.

You know what you yelled? You know what changed my mind, made me stay?

You yelled _‘Sammy! No! Sam, wake up, please, Sammy, Sammy, please!’_ and I learned that your worst nightmare wasn’t anything that could possibly happen to you. It was what might happen to me. It’s one of the things that make me wonder if you know how hard I fight every day just to keep on living.

I could never let your worst nightmare come true. You’re too important.

 _‘I love Gabriel Angeles’_ is my mantra now. It’s the thing that keeps me going when nothing else does. I love you, and you’re far too important for me to ever knowingly hurt you.

Do you remember when I promised I would never let anyone beat you up? I should have been less specific in my wording. I will never let anyone cause you any kind of pain, not without retribution. And that includes myself.

I love you too much to ever let go. No matter what happens, no matter what the voice in my head says, I’m not giving in. I’ll fight for us.

**Author's Note:**

> Heh.
> 
> Happy ending cause I'm not THAT much of a bitch!
> 
> (Was intended to just get sadder but the first draft was awesome up until the last scene then got awkward, so I did a total re-write of the ending for the second, and this happened)


End file.
